A Year Gone, a Waist Larger

I have to wear a bright watermelon dress for my sisters wedding(1).   I don't have a passport so I had to measure myself and hand over my size to my Sister.  This was hard.  I cried a little when I saw how big I am.  To my Sisters credit she didn't mock me or comment.

I went to my doctor who told me that losing weight is in your head and when I am ready it will fall off.  She recommended The 17 Day Diet so I am going to try it (2). I am going to fake my head part and try to get my size down for that dress.

1. http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Short-Cotton-Dress-with-Y-Neck-and-Skirt-Pleating-83690_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-All-Bridesmaid-Dresses

2, http://www.amazon.com/17-Day-Diet-Doctors-Designed/dp/1451648650/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1311546632&sr=8-1

Muffin Top

Earlier today I was getting dressed and I noticed the my stomach was sticking out further than usual.  I assumed it was my pants so I tried a little experiment.  I measured my waist before pants and after pants.  I want to say that I am not as fat as I really am and my pants were pushing everything upward but I can't.  That lovely roll of fat that gently jiggles on my waistband is all me, all the time.  I especially enjoy the sit down spread that happens whenever I cop a squat all sexy like.

So what does one do when their gut shrinks slower than their cleavage (or lack there of?)  If you can afford it get spanx.  If you are like me and pov then avoid any fabrics than stick and have shape.  Bring back the tunic and empire waist.  I am thinking of putting one giant ruffle or a tutu so I can disguise it.

Over weight ache

I don't always feel obese.  I have kind souls that say I don't look it ... they lie.  Every once in awhile though I feel my weight.  Rolling out of bed in the morning and sitting up I occasionally feel how much weight I actually lug around.  Walking up hills my ankles burn because I waddle when I walk.  Sometimes I go to bend over and realize just how giant my stomach is.  These things don't get me down but afterwards I feel tired, physically drained would be a better way to put it.  Of course the only way to fix it is to shut the fuck up and get healthy. 

Lessons learned

I am an administrative superstar by trade and that has given me the uncanny ability to a)budget and b)constantly review things c)come up with strategies to save time money and effort.  After reviewing the journal my doctor is forcing me to write I have come up with a few ways that are helping with my 'health transition' <- seriously people refer to weight loss as that.

Clean your kitchen.  If my kitchen is gross or even just cluttered I will not cook.  Cooking at home reducing the risk of extra fat and salt that you may not be aware is added into your food.

Buy sharp knives.  There is nothing worse than chopping a vegetable with a knife with a dull blade.  Get a sharpening stone or buy a new knife.  FYI Ikea knives are crap so if you are poor get one good one instead of five crappy ones. 

Make a grocery list and check out prices.  I hear a lot of people say dieting is expensive.  It isn't, eating out of season fruit and veggies and suddenly buying all organic food can be.  Farmers Markets tend to be cheap later in the day because they want to get rid of the remaining veggies n such.  You may not get the cream of the crop but you are still getting locally grown fresh noms.  Also check out small local grocers, Langley Farm Market can have some nice stuff but they don't have a website that I can find and the smaller local hole in the wall can have better prices for the same quality. For grocery items check out sales, look up grocery stores online and check the weekly fliers.  Usually I head to West Vancouver once a week and my friend and I like to drool at the super expensive deliciousness that is Whole Foods.  While wandering the aisles I found almond milk for a few dollars cheaper than Save on Foods.  If I am in the area already I will check out the grocery stores so I keep my list with me.  This way I don't make an extra trip and waste gas, time and money.  Some links to bigger local stores: Safeway, Save on Foods, Real Canadian Superstore, Thrifty Foods, Price Smart

Grocery shop alone with a full belly.  My Mother told me to never grocery shop hungry and though it pains me to say it ... *sigh* my Mom was right.  One more thing I have learned is, never grocery shop with someone who has impulse control issues or will annoy you.  If a person is annoying you will go faster to get the hell out before you 'accidentally' smash the cart into the back of his or her ankles.  If the person is loading the buggy up with all those boxed, preserved, fried, sugared *gasp/pant* greasy foods you are avoiding your resolve may break and you may start slipping in 'treats'.  Go alone, bring your iPod, bring your list but leave your kids, friends, significant others and other enablers at home.

Clean and chop veggies, separate meat or proteins and package it all immediately when you get home.  If you don't you will probably not get to it later, and let's face it if you have to have that extra bit of veggies for whatever plan you are doing and they aren't chopped you will most likely skip it. 

Buy bulk.  I find that buying bulk is cheaper (in most cases) and reduces waste.  I am one person so I don't need large amounts of food regardless of how long it lasts.  I also hate to throw away food so I will literally stress out if I have items that are going to turn so I gobble them up.

Fat chicks have giant cans ... right?

I hate the term 'itty bitty titty committee', it makes me violent.  I have tiny boobs so I hear that term a lot and usually I have to hold myself back from punching the bitch who thinks it is funny in the throat.  Not only are they tiny, they are lopsided by a complete size.  I am just lucky that way.  I have been measured but they are always off because my back is wider than most so the formula doesn't work  I rock a B and a C depending on the diet I am currently on. 

As I lose weight my boobs are shrinking.  If I said that comment to anyone else in the chunk army I would get a "I wish mine would" followed by a sigh.  No, no, no, NO!  All plus sized clothes are designed for girls with small asses and giant tits.  This means my booty hangs out on the bottom and there is enough space up top that I could store my lunch.  Didn't you know that all fat chicks are one size fits all?  I have no idea if thin people have this problem but honestly... don't care.  Regular sized people have a million places they can shop at and I am going to assume the majority of the clothing isn't polyester.  *mumbles under breath*

Back to boobs...

As I lose weight everything is dropping  this of course excludes my boobs they just seem to suck back inside and get even smaller.  I assume this is karma for killing spiders when I was a kid or just shitty genetics.  This has led me on the great bra expedition.  I liken finding a bra that fits well and is affordable to finding Atlantis.  Fictional.  Plus sized stores stock an incredible amount of choices if you are a D and up so when I ask I get the "No, *nervous laugh* we don't carry bras that small.  Are you sure you are that size? I can measure you."  *sigh*

To solve the problem of tiny boobs I have to shrink my stomach so they are larger than someone else on my body.  No matter how much I diet I still have to exercise so I looked it up and the best abdominal exercises are sit ups, squats and my favorite, rigorous sweaty sex.  Good luck with the last one. *mumbles to self*

Below I have attached a photo of the muscles we all have under our generous coating of fat.  

Cushion for the Pushin'

Recently I was talking to one of my stick friends about sex.  She is naturally thin and angular but apparently possesses no form of flexibility what so ever and claims rotund beauties are more flexible than stick bugs or healthbots.  I am inclined to believe her because she is a hair stylist.  I don't know about you but some of the potty talk I hear in a salon could make my cat blush.  Anyway, we started talking about how sex is supposed to be the best form of exercise out there and that led us into the favorite position discussion.  Neither of us actually know the titles but instead refer to positions as descriptions.  While I was trying to explain my favorite position I received a quizzical look similar to the one my dog gives me when I do something stupid.  She stopped me and sputtered something like "Ugh you chubby girls are always better in bed and super flexible.  You know once a guy dates a chubby girl he never goes back to a skinny one.  You guys suck."  This isn't the first time I have heard the fabled sexual talent of a fat chick.  Are we better in bed?  And if so why is this not screamed from the roof tops?  

The Scale of Fat

How fat is fat?

According to the 2004 CCHS, 23.1% of Canadians aged 18 or older, an estimated 5.5 million adults, had a body mass index (BMI) of 30 or more, indicating that they were obese

According to the BMI Index:

• Underweight = <18.5>
• Normal weight = 18.5-24.9 I hate these people
  
• Overweight = 25-29.9 I wish I was this person
  
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater I am this person

Waist Circumference:

A man with a waist circumference greater than 40 inches and a woman with a waist circumference greater than 35 inches is considered super fat.

Waist to Hip Ratio:

Take the circumference of your waist and divide it by the circumference of your hips to get a waist to hip ratio. A healthy man should be below 0.9 and a healthy woman should be below 0.85.

And lastly the Urban dictionary scale:

Category 1: Slightly overweight with between 0 and 3 rolls

Category 2: Obviously larger than most but not yet considered hopeless

Category 3: The first level of obesity, usually characterized by a constant hunger for fatty foods

Category 4: Probably the largest person you know, but there are bigger. If you get between them and food...its over.

Category 5: One of the top 15 most obese people in the State, characterized by empty vending machines and several pizza boxes in their locker. These people are known to be extremely dangerous and we encourage you not to feed them.

Category 6: The most easily recognized of all the obese classes, characterized by clogged arteries, a blanket over your face, and several people trying to revive you. Also are commonly known to have custom made coffins to fit their girth

http://www.urbandictionary.com/products.php?defid=895288